Feeling the fear, and doing it anyway

Yesterday I did my first day's training to become a Samaritan*. Like most other things in my life - along with many things in the lives of other people - it caused quite ridiculous levels of analysis and panic.

In reality, like most other things, it was perfectly fine - no, enjoyable infact.

I realised how much I need to do something for me that is about me as an individual, not me as a mother. I love my children to bits but I cannot surround myself with only children and their mothers for the rest of my life.

I realised (not for the first time) what a curious mix of arrogance and insecurity I am. Arrogant because I didn't worry at all that I wouldn't be good enough to do it. Insecure because I did have a last minute panic, quite a spectacular one, about whether I can logistically commit to Samaritans shifts whilst maintaining the 24 hour on call service I provide so that Husband can be 'flexible' for work.

In reality, the logistics will be fine. My mother in law is around the corner, Husband is supportive - if a little chaotic in his approach to weekly schedules - and the commitment is not, anyway, even that onerous. i think it's just my excuse of choice to get out of pushing myself to do anything. It somehow seems more noble to be a martyr and not do something because of other people's needs rather than simply being slack / scared / all of the above.

I realised that my biggest fear in the world is about what will happen if it all falls apart - my life, that is. I realised, too, that not doing things in case it does is not a very good way of making sure it doesn't.

It felt good to do something new. It felt good to know I will make a difference, and it felt good to be pushing onwards and upwards.




*The Samaritans is a confidential service, and I just wanted to say straight out that of course I won't be writing anything on here about the actual calls, or even how I feel about them. My observations will be confined to learning points about my own inadequacy and that's about it.